I hate being a mom sometimes and I don't know what to do

Hi Lucy,

How to deal with the feeling that I hate being a mom (not 100% of the time but it’s scarily too often)? The lack of freedom, sacrifice in health and career, endless chores all the time, and frankly I feel like life becomes so mundane. On top of that, the toddlers don’t listen and suck all the patience out of me. I can barely do a good job at work (like pre-kids), and just trying to manage an okay performance. I am not sure how to help myself getting out of this negativity. Thank you.

Thanks,

Pam

Works at: New York Life

Dear Pam,

I once saw a quote on Instagram and it resonated with me so much. It went something like, "I love my children, but I hate parenting". I was like, oh my god, I thought I was the only one. Recently I found this article too, that touches on this topic perfectly.

The hardest part of all this is the disconnect I think between what we know to be logically true and yet still so emotionally so bad - that we should enjoy caring for the ones we love the most, that we should treasure every waking minute because they don't "stay small forever", but at the same time, it often feels like an emotional chokehold where we are condemned to the same nitty gritty daily tasks that drain and drain us.

I want to share something that happened to me about two years ago. I was working 8am - 5pm then 8-11pm every day, and stressed about childcare, stressed about my mom's health (she had a cancer relapse), and still stressed about COVID. At the time my older one had just started daycare, so she would get sick literally every week. She was a year and half and couldn't talk yet, so every evening she would come home from daycare and roll on the floor and scream for a good 30 minutes, and we were never sure if it was because she was just adjusting from daycare, if she was just too young and suffering from a full day of daycare, or if she was getting sick. I dreaded work, but I dreaded taking care of her even more. I drank wine almost every evening, and my breakfast was often black coffee and (I'm so embarrassed to say this) Flaming Hot Cheetos that I would wolf down during virtual work meetings. I fantasized about expensive luxury purchases like diamonds and handbags. Those were things that brought me joy.

I was on the edge all the time, and one day I looked around at our apartment and I snapped. I couldn't deal with the daily mind-numbing routine anymore, nor the thought of my kid's constant screams, nor the scaffolding that had been outside our window for two years, nor the crushing, never ending pressure from work, nor the anxieties about my mom's health. I looked around the apartment and I saw mess here, mess there, and I started throwing things. I felt such a blinding rage. I flipped chairs, I pushed all the stuff off the table and paper flew everywhere. I trashed my daughter's pile of stickers. I threw her books on the floor. And I just screamed and screamed like I was possessed and all I could hear myself say over and over again was "I can't do this anymore". I just kept saying it, over and over and over, while shaking and hyperventilating.

Immediately after my "episode", I felt ashamed. I was ashamed that I couldn't handle the things that I had always thought working moms could handle - and with grace. I was ashamed that I had trashed the little things that had brought my little love so much joy, that had come to represent beautiful memories of childhood and innocence. I was ashamed I had lost control.

It took me a long time to come to terms with my behavior that day. When I finally did, I asked myself what "this" was that I said I couldn't do anymore. Was it work? Was it living in New York? Was it childcare? Was it living in this apartment? Was it being married??????

And I looked around and I realized all of my life was in fact, fine. There wasn't a single part of my life that I truly "could not do" anymore. No, I had snapped because of the pressure I was putting on myself - and the craziest thing was, I didn't even realize I was doing it. I was raised to strive for perfection, taught to strive for "high performance", and conditioned to have a desire to control for every outcome. I had these implicit expectations of what my life looked like and what parenting looked like, and whenever it deviated, I would become anxious, depressed, and angry.

Things got a lot better after that, because honestly, I let myself go a bit. It was okay if my kid watched a lot of TV one weekend; it was okay if our home was a mess; it was okay if my kid spilled things or her hair wasn't washed for a week; it was okay if she ate nothing but snacks one day. It was okay if she never wanted to go outside (we spent countless weekends just being indoors and not seeing the sun).

In yoga, a large part is about finding peace in situations of constraint. We go into these poses that are straining and uncomfortable, and yet, we have to find "space" in these poses by breathing into them. Whenever I feel constraints tightening their grips on me in life, I always remind myself of what it's like to be in these yoga poses. Space is not created in the absence of constraint but in lieu of them. We will never be completely free of constraint in life, but we always have the freedom to choose how we respond to them.

So, I challenge you to find that space in the mundane and breathe life into it. It could be that you explore a new place with your family one weekend; it could be that you take some time off from work for a much needed vacation; it could be that you jump into the bath with your child and splash around; it could be that you grab your husband one evening after the kids have gone to bed (prob like 12am at this point but still) and open up a really, really expensive bottle of alcohol. Ask yourself, what does "lightness" and "joy" look like in your life? Close your eyes and picture it, dare to imagine.

Warmly,

Lucy

Unsustainable cycle of all-consuming work and no sleep

Hi Lucy,

This forum is such a great idea, congratulations to your new journey here. Here’s my story: I’m stuck in a unsustainable cycle and I don’t know how to get out. I started a new job in December in a really exciting part of the business. The team I have is small and mostly contractors (vs full time employees). Due to their lack of experience and (to some extent) lack of drive and accountability, I find myself taking more and more responsibility to course correct our performance. This leads me to work pretty much all the time (with the exception of time with my kids after work ie. 5:30-9:00pm). Which leads me working until 2-3am daily. I recognize this is not sustainable (no time with my husband or myself), but I also struggle to see a path forward. I am looking to hire more people to the team and make some changes to the existing team, but I am concerned that it will only get worse before it gets better. I think part of the issue is I have too high of an expectation. I find myself needing to provide oversight on every aspect of our team. But maybe I just need to let things play their course? Would appreciate any suggestions!

Thanks,

Not Sleeping

Works at: Bruce Power

Dear Not Sleeping,

When I first saw this come through, it gave me so many feels because it resonated with me on so many levels. It took me a few days to think about this and to give you the best reply you deserve.

First, congrats on your courage for taking on this new role! It's not easy for working moms to say "yes" to stretch roles in one's career, especially when their kids are young (and especially when you have more than one). And man, this sounds like a super stretch role to me! Definitely take a moment to recognize that power in yourself and honor it. You deserve this moment.

In terms of the work situation: I had managed contractors (contingent workers) in Big Tech and I totally, totally understand your conundrum around driving accountability. It's not just in your head. And I also think contractors are in a tough spot because there is very little feeling of "inclusion" because of a constant status differential to the full time employees, who enjoy some level of job security, company benefits, and developmental opportunities built into their annual people processes. Our brains tell us that emotional feelings of exclusion stimulate the same brain areas as actual physical pain. When I was in Big Tech I was very aware of this, and the "in limbo" status of the contractors often led to a general laissez-fair attitude and performance. Not saying this is the only reason, but it is a huge contributing factor.

I agree that your efforts to "make up" for their contributions or lack thereof is not sustainable. And yes, hiring and making people changes to the team may help to alleviate the burdens in the future but because it will take months to onboard new hires, you won't feel less burdened immediately. I wonder if there are two ways to approach this.

Work-related strategies:

• Give feedback: Could you try offering more feedback to your contractors? Feedback is a gift. In particular, just-in-time feedback is so important to improving performance, yet managers often shy away from it because it feels uncomfortable to give feedback! It is truly a very useful skill and I think will keep giving back to you over and over again. For example, are they turning in work products and not giving you enough buffer time to review, give feedback, and for them to iterate based on the feedback? If so, set expectations when you delegate the work to have it sent to you by XYZ date and time to review.

• Set clear expectations: I'm sure you're already doing this, but I think sometimes we forget that setting expectations is as much about the content (the details you want to them to get right) as it is about the way they should be working with you - open to ask questions about the overall direction, understand that things don't have to be perfect -and will not be perfect- the first time they submit them to you, aware that you will work with them to give feedback and make improvements so there will be iterations but that is how work gets done and how they learn and grow.

• Have a developmental conversation: This is a chance for you to connect their efforts/performance to their growth and development goals - the "what's in it for me", in the absence of contractors participating in the FTE performance management cycle (and I am guessing by default not eligible for performance-based incentive plans). It can help you understand what drives them (and doesn't), so you can bring rewards to the table to motivate them to perform better - and by "reward" I don't mean financial reward. It could be things like possibly switching to a permanent role, exposure to other challenging projects to further their career growth, connecting them to a mentor or a sponsor at work, etc. Things that can help them feel engaged and elevate their sense of status.

Self sustaining strategies:

• Give yourself a deadline: It sounds like some things are in the works already so ask yourself, how much longer are you willing (and able) to tolerate this situation before you say "I've had enough, it's time move on"? Is it 1 month, 3 months, 6 months? Having a deadline like that can provide some feeling of certainty as you navigate through what feels like a dark tunnel that has no end.

• Map the consequences: In what tangible ways is a slight drop in your team's performance going to reflect poorly against you as the manager/leader? A lot of times we confuse internal standards with external outcomes because we put so much pressure on ourselves (maybe this is how we were raised, maybe this has always worked in the past to get us to where we are today). It could help to articulate for yourself the various scenarios if you - for lack of better words - "cared less". What might likely happen if the performance is down 10% from your expectation? 20%? Or more? What do the consequences realistically look like? In each situation, are there ways you can potentially mitigate a negative outcome?

• Go to bed early and wake up early: Anyone who works till 2-3am I think has a proclivity to find closure and find it fast. Myself included. We are the kind of people who would rather "get it over with" so we can find some inner peace. With that being said, the days when I just said, "fuck it, I'm too tired, I'm going to bed at 10" and then waking up at 6, I am so much more productive in an hour's time than I am in the 11pm-3am window. My brain is much less foggy, I'm in a better mood, and I feel like I'm getting a head start in the day rather than "catching up".

• Hire help: Who are we kidding here? This job of yours is crazy right now. There is no shame in admitting that for a bit of time, you cannot do it all. And that's totally okay! You'd be surprised at how many high-achieving career women have hired help at home - they just don't talk about it because somehow they feel like it's not cool and people will judge them. I get it, you want to be there to put your kids to bed, to spend quality time with them after a long day of not seeing them at all, but this is all temporary as you find your footing, and in the meantime, you have to protect what is important to you - your health. After all, what do we make money for if not for these desperate moments? Hire help with cooking, with childcare, with whatever you need to outsource to feel more centered.

And, I am always here if you'd like to explore this further - work life balance, setting boundaries (mostly for yourself), battling perfectionism and learning to let things go. I can write pages on these topics but without knowing much more details, I don't want to be presumptuous. In the meantime, I hope my response gives you some reprieve...and that you can catch some real zzzz real soon.

Lucy

Laid off in May from Big Tech; burning out from job search

Dear Lucy,

I am an engineer amongst the tens of thousands of people recently laid off from Meta in May. The job market is insane right now. Since the layoff I've engaged with over 60 companies or third party recruiters, completed 10 onsites, of which 8 have been rejections, and I'm waiting on my last 2. I'm at a point of serious job search burnout. I find myself zoning out when I'm applying to jobs or just don't want to bother even when I see a posting that seems pretty decent, and increasingly becoming less prepared for interviews to the point that sometimes I'm asked pretty basic questions and I feel like I miss the mark answering them. Is this normal? I dread the wait between interviews too. Every passing minute my morale drops and I question my own competence and sense of self-worth, thinking I should have prepared more and answered the questions in a better way. Now I'm terrified of more rejections to come and if all my leads burn out, I'm not sure what I'll do or if I'll even have the energy to apply to more places, to go through all the rounds again, only to face rejection. I just feel so hopeless and tired. I don't know what I'm looking for by writing this, maybe just some validation? I don't know.

Thanks,

Burned Out

Works at: Ex-Meta

Dear Burned Out,

First, I'm so sorry. Many of my friends in Big Tech also got impacted the last several months and you're right, the market is very competitive especially if you're an engineer looking for roles in the Bay Area. What a time to be alive, am I right? On the bright side, congrats on all those onsite and final rounds!!! It must mean you're doing something right! I know of many people who submit hundreds of applications and never hear back from anyone - that kind of deafening silence would be so demoralizing.

Second, burn out is real. I think a lot of it comes from carrying a constant mental burden trying to manage the uncertainty of the situation, despite that a situation like job search and interviewing in a competitive market is extremely uncertain, unpredictable, and often it's hard to find a causal relationship between input (actions) and output (results). Just to give you an example, I have seen people, super qualified, being turned down for a job in the final rounds because somehow the company had found a "unicorn candidate" who was working in the exact same role at a competitor.

Trying to control all these unpredictable factors and outcomes is like shoving ocean water off off the beach... it is insanity. Instead, try to compartmentalize your thoughts around the job search. I like to do this visualization for myself in times of great distress and uncertainty, where I think about each and every one of my worries, I mentally put them into a box, then I put the box inside a room or a closet and I close the door. Out of sight, out of mind!

I also like to compare job search to dating - in the beginning you're super optimistic and high energy. You feel like there's a lot of possibility out there; you say yes to a lot of potential opportunities. Then as you meet people, you realize half of those opportunities were not what was described/marketed, or just "not real" - you go through disappointment after disappointment, you begin to lose steam. This is when it's important to take a little break, ground yourself, and refill your cup of self-confidence and sense of self-worth. This recharge is so important - just think, people need weekends and even vacations to take breaks and recharge from paid work, and job search is a job in itself, so why should it be any different?

Finally, try to focus on things you can control. If you find yourself stuck in an anxiety thought-loop around how your interview went, maybe try writing down all the questions you felt you could have answered better, and draft better responses to them while the experience is still fresh. That way, you will have accumulated an interview question bank for yourself through your experiences and it's a great resource for your job search right now but also for the future if you want to interview again. I'm sure there's tons of learning you're gaining from the experiences so far, so why not capitalize on them?

Sincerely,

Lucy